4 Ways to Break the People-Pleasing Anxiety Cycle

While seemingly benign or even positive at first glance, people-pleasing behaviors perpetuate anxiety and diminish self-esteem.It seems apparent that without addressing the root causes and manifestations of people-pleasing, individuals are likely to find themselves stuck in a cycle of anxiety.

The Facade of People-Pleasing

At its core, people-pleasing is an adaptive behavior pattern where an individual habitually puts the needs, wishes, or opinions of others above their own, often at the expense of their personal well-being or preferences. This behavior is not merely a matter of occasional accommodation or kindness, which are natural and healthy aspects of human interaction. Rather, it is a chronic and compulsive need to gain approval, avoid conflict, or maintain harmony, even when it leads to self-neglect or distress.

Why We People-Please

To understand the nexus between people-pleasing and anxiety, it’s important to understand the drive behind this behavior.

Approval & Validation

People-pleasers often hold beliefs that their worth is predicated on the approval and validation of others.

Avoiding Rejection

People please often want to avoid rejection or abandonment, therefore the needs and wants of others takes front and center.

Pacifying ANger

People-pleaser’s may be trying to avoid a fight, or upsetting another person, therefore people-pleasing behaviors may feel like a safety net.

Social Expectations

People-Pleaser’s may feel that part of their role, whether at home, work or socially, is to meet the expectations of others, therefore the people-pleasing behaviors reinforce their role identity and role-mastery.

The Vicious Cycle of Anxiety

The link between people-pleasing and anxiety is both direct and multifaceted. On one level, the perpetual fear of displeasing others or failing to meet external expectations creates a baseline of stress and worry. This state of heightened vigilance for social cues and potential disapproval is exhausting, eroding one’s sense of security and self-esteem over time.

Moreover, people-pleasers often find themselves in a paradoxical bind. Their efforts to avoid conflict and maintain harmony can lead to the suppression of their own needs and desires, which, when unaddressed, manifest as internal turmoil and dissatisfaction. This suppression not only exacerbates feelings of anxiety but also fosters resentment and disconnection from one’s authentic self. On the outside, people-pleaser’s see their behavior reinforced since others are typically happy to be accommodated. This can be confusing for the people-pleaser who is not experiencing fulfillment from the relationship.

The Impact on Relationships & Personal Growth

The ramifications of chronic people-pleasing extend beyond the individual to affect interpersonal relationships and personal development. Relationships founded on inauthenticity, where one party consistently diminishes their needs, are inherently imbalanced and lack genuine intimacy. This dynamic can lead to a sense of loneliness and isolation, further compounding feelings of anxiety.

Additionally, the people-pleasing pattern stifles personal growth. The fear of taking risks, expressing dissent, or pursuing personal goals—lest these actions lead to disapproval—limits opportunities for self-discovery and achievement. Over time, this can result in a profound sense of stagnation and lack of fulfillment.

Strategies for Overcoming People-Pleasing

Breaking free from the grip of people-pleasing requires intentional effort and perseverance. The journey toward reclaiming one’s autonomy and mitigating anxiety involves several key strategies.

Boost Self-Awareness & Self-Compassion

The first step in overcoming people-pleasing is developing a keen awareness of one’s motivations, feelings, and behaviors. Recognizing the instances when people-pleasing tendencies emerge allows for a more mindful response. Coupled with self-awareness, cultivating self-compassion is essential. Understanding that the drive to please others stems from a place of vulnerability and fear can foster a kinder, more forgiving attitude toward oneself.

Establish Boundaries

Learning to set and enforce healthy boundaries is critical for people-pleasers. Boundaries delineate the space between where one person ends and another begins, enabling individuals to honor their needs and feelings without succumbing to external pressures. This process involves clear communication and the willingness to withstand potential pushback or discomfort.

Seeking Authentic Connections

Pursuing relationships that value authenticity and mutual respect can dramatically alleviate the pressure to conform to others’ expectations. In environments where honesty and individuality are cherished, the impetus to engage in people-pleasing diminishes. These authentic connections provide a safe space for individuals to express their true selves, fostering a sense of belonging and acceptance that is not contingent on perpetual accommodation.

Embracing Imperfection

Part of the people-pleasing dilemma is the unrealistic pursuit of perfection or the idealized self. Embracing imperfection, acknowledging that mistakes and conflicts are inherent aspects of the human experience, can liberate individuals from the fear of judgment. This acceptance encourages a more relaxed and genuine mode of interaction with the world.

When to Get Help for
Anxiety & People-Pleasing Behaviors

For many, the patterns of people-pleasing are deeply ingrained and challenging to break without assistance. Seeking the support of a therapist or counselor can provide valuable insights and strategies for addressing the underlying issues contributing to people-pleasing behaviors. Professional guidance can facilitate a deeper understanding of oneself and foster the development of healthier coping mechanisms.

Final THoughts on People-Pleasing ANxiety

The link between chronic people-pleasing and anxiety is important for people-pleaser’s to understand to reinforce the motivation and perseverance needed to overcome people-pleasing behaviors. Recognizing and addressing people-pleasing tendencies is not merely an act of self-care; it is a profound step toward breaking the cycle of anxiety and cultivating a life marked by authenticity, resilience, and genuine connection.

Ready to start Therapy?

FAQ's About Therapy in New Jersey

Where are you located? I need a therapist near me

We are fully online, which means that your therapy sessions will be help via video call on our HIPAA compliant Platform. Anyone in New Jersey can access our therapy services

How do I get started as a new client?

New Clients can reach out to us directly via call, text or email here:

CLICK to CALL 📞

CLICK to TEXT 💬

CLICK to EMAIL ✉️

SCHEDULE A CALL HERE 🗓️

Does my insurance cover my visits?

We provide”Courtesy Billing” for clients who are using the Out-of-network insurance benefits.

Our Insurance Page shares a small blurb about Why We Left Insurance Panels

What are out-of-network benefits?

When using OON benefits, patients typically pay the full cost of the treatment upfront and then file a claim with their insurance company for reimbursement. The amount of reimbursement can vary depending on the plan, but it can sometimes be as high as 90%. Call your insurance to see if you have OON benefits or click here to call us and we can check for you!

Is Online Therapy As Effective As In-Person Therapy?

Online therapy is essentially face-to-face counseling, just conducted remotely. Studies show that tele-therapy is as effective as traditional counseling. Professional organizations and state governments recognize its benefits and have set regulations for it. However, like any therapy, its success in achieving your goals isn’t guaranteed. It’s important to discuss with your therapist whether tele-therapy is working for you.

How Should I Prepare for My First Session?

Showing up is all that you need to do! But if you really want to get the most out of session, it could help to take some time to think about what you want from therapy. It helps to write down your goals, questions you have or things that you feel are important to share.

Do you offer traditional talk therapy?

of course! though we have some unconventional therapy approaches, we are rooted in evidenced based practices. Talk therapy is a major player in the therapy room! See What we Treat and Integrative Services for more information

Is Virtual Counseling Suitable for Everyone?

Online therapy might not be as effective for individuals with chronic suicidal thoughts, severe trauma, significant mental health history, or those recently in intensive care. Such cases often benefit more from traditional, in-person counseling. We’ll help you decide if our online services are right for you during your intake and evaluation.

Can I Change Therapists If I'm Not Happy?

Yes, you can switch therapists to another provider within the practice, or we can provide you a referral if preferred. We want to ensure that your time and effort are well spent, and that you are getting the relief you need, that’s why we work collaboratively with each other in the practice, as well as outside therapists who we know and trust.

How Do I Know If Therapy Is Helping?

You should feel like you’re making progress. Signs it’s working include:

Feeling comfortable talking to your therapist
Your therapist respects boundaries
You’re moving towards your goals
You feel listened to
You’re doing better in life
Your self-esteem is getting better

What is your cancellation policy?

We ask that clients provide at least 24 hours notice in the event that they need to cancel to avoid the 50% cancellation fee. we understand that life happens and do our best to be flexible & reschedule.

What Geographic Areas Are Served?

Currently, we serve clients in New Jersey and are expanding to other states as telehealth laws evolve. While telehealth offers the convenience of attending sessions from anywhere, state laws require clients to be in-state during their session.

Is Online Therapy Easy to Use for Non-Tech-Savvy People?

Yes, it’s pretty simple to access sessions. You’ll need basic internet skills, such as opening and visiting the patient link sent to you via email. It’s similar to video chatting like Facetime or Zoom. We can also walk you through it on the phone the first time to ensure a strong connection

What Questions Should I Ask My New Therapist?

Feel free to ask anything. Some good questions are:

How often will we meet?
What do you specialize in?
What experience do you have with my issue?
What outcomes can I expect?
How will I know I’m progressing?
How long do you usually work with clients?
How will we set my treatment goals?

What is the difference between associate therapists & fully licensed therapists?

Our Qualifications:

Our founder, Rebecca Sidoti, is a highly qualified, state-licensed therapist and supervisor with extensive training in anxiety related disorders and innovative treatment such as Ketamine Therapy. Mind by Design Counseling adheres to standards set by the our governing counseling boards.

To see each providers credentials, training and licenses, visit our “Meet the Therapists” Page to learn more.

LAC/LSW are therapists who may practice clinical work under the supervision of a fully licensed therapist.
LPC/LCSW are therapists who have completed the necessary clinical hours post-graduation under supervision and can practice clinical work independently.