Overcome Sexual Anxiety:
Silencing the Overthinking Brain
Sexual anxiety and overthinking can rob you of a satisfying intimate experience.
Overthinking during sex is more common than you might think. If you’re constantly battling thoughts like, “Am I doing this right?” or “Does my partner find me attractive?”—you’re not alone. Sexual anxiety can make it hard to stay in the moment, often leading to performance issues, emotional disconnection, and even avoidance of intimacy altogether. But here’s the good news: there are ways to quiet your mind and stop those racing thoughts from stealing your joy during intimate moments. Let’s break it down.
What Is Sexual Anxiety?
Sexual anxiety is the fear or worry related to sexual activity. It can stem from concerns about performance, appearance, past negative experiences, or even broader issues like body image or societal pressures. While it’s normal to feel a little nervous in certain situations, constant worry can become a form of overthinking that pulls you away from the present moment. This can lead to a cycle of stress that not only impacts your emotional health but can also affect your physical performance.
How Overthinking Affects Your Sexual Experience
Overthinking, especially during sex, often creates a mental block that disconnects you from your physical sensations. Instead of enjoying the moment, you might find yourself focusing on a barrage of thoughts—worrying about your performance, your partner’s satisfaction, or how you appear. When your mind is racing, it’s nearly impossible to connect fully with your partner, leading to a less satisfying experience for both of you.
Some common thoughts tied to sexual anxiety include:
- Am I performing well enough?
- Does my partner think I look good?
- What if I can’t please them?
- What if something goes wrong?
These thoughts trigger stress, leading to physical reactions like shallow breathing, muscle tension, and even a reduced ability to maintain arousal.
Rebecca Sidoti, LCSW
VR Therapist
OCD & Anxiety Expert
Kristin Justice, LAC
Grief & Loss
Women’s Mental Health
Stress & Adjustments
Caroline Goodhines
Maria Rice
Denise Spivey
Addressing Sexual Anxiety
Not dealing with sexual anxiety can have long-term consequences, both emotionally and physically. Beyond the obvious impact on your sex life, it can lead to low self-esteem, relationship struggles, and an aversion to intimacy. Over time, unresolved anxiety can also morph into more complex issues like erectile dysfunction in men or a reduced libido in women.
Addressing this form of anxiety can improve not only your sexual experiences but also your emotional connection with your partner. Plus, learning how to quiet your mind during sex often results in heightened pleasure and a more satisfying relationship overall.
Communicate Openly with Your Partner
Many of the thoughts that lead to sexual anxiety come from a lack of communication. Maybe you’re unsure if your partner enjoys something, or perhaps you’re worried about your own performance. By discussing these concerns openly, you remove the guessing game that often fuels overthinking.
Before sex, have an honest conversation with your partner about your fears and desires. This can not only clear the air but also strengthen your emotional connection, which in turn reduces anxiety during intimate moments.
Focus on Deep Breathing
Deep breathing is a proven way to calm anxiety, including sexual anxiety. When you feel your mind racing, take a deep breath in for four counts, hold it for four counts, and then exhale for four counts. This pattern, sometimes called “box breathing,” helps you regain control of your mental and physical state, allowing you to focus on the present.
Incorporating breathing exercises during sex may feel awkward at first, but it can make a world of difference in quieting your mind.
Lower the Stakes
Sex doesn’t have to be a high-pressure event. Instead of striving for perfection, aim to enjoy the journey. Whether it’s an orgasm, a certain level of performance, or specific moves, ditch the idea of “getting it right” and replace it with “enjoying the moment.” By lowering your expectations, you create space for genuine connection and intimacy.
Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness is all about being present in the moment, which is exactly what you need during sex. One effective way to bring mindfulness into your sex life is by focusing on your senses. What are you hearing, touching, smelling, or tasting? This technique redirects your mind away from intrusive thoughts and helps you tune into the experience.
Start small—maybe by focusing on how your partner’s skin feels or the rhythm of your breathing. The more you practice, the easier it will become to push out distracting thoughts and enjoy the present moment.
Change the Environment
Sometimes a change in scenery can do wonders for your mental state. If sexual anxiety often hits you in the same setting, consider switching things up. Light some candles, play soft music, or even try different locations for intimacy. A new environment can shift your focus away from worry and into excitement.
Consider Professional Help
If sexual anxiety feels like too much to manage on your own, you’re not alone. Sex therapists specialize in helping individuals and couples work through sexual anxieties, past traumas, and relationship challenges. Therapy can provide you with new coping mechanisms, as well as a safe space to explore your feelings without judgment.
Common Myths About Sexual Anxiety
Before wrapping up, let’s debunk a couple of myths around sexual anxiety:
- Myth: “Men don’t experience sexual anxiety.”
Truth: Both men and women experience sexual anxiety. It’s not a gender-specific issue. - Myth: “Once you feel anxious during sex, it will always be that way.”
Truth: Sexual anxiety can be managed and even eliminated with the right strategies and support. - Myth: “Good sex means perfect performance.”
Truth: Good sex is about connection, not perfection. Sexual experiences are meant to be enjoyed, not scored.
Final Thoughts on Overcoming Sexual Anxiety
Sexual anxiety and overthinking can certainly complicate intimate moments, but they don’t have to dominate your experience. By practicing mindfulness, improving communication, and trying out new relaxation techniques, you can quiet your mind and fully enjoy the moment. It’s about learning to let go, staying present, and remembering that sex is as much about emotional connection as it is about physical pleasure.
Our supportive team of therapists are here to help you overcome sexual anxiety and experience more connection & intimacy with your partner. Call, text, email or book a call today!
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Frequently Asked Questions
About Online Therapy at Mind by Design Counseling
Where are you located? I need a therapist near me
We are fully online, which means that your therapy sessions will be help via video call on our HIPAA compliant Platform. Anyone in New Jersey can access our therapy services
How do I get started as a new client?
New Clients can reach out to us directly via call, text or email here:
Does my insurance cover my visits?
We provide”Courtesy Billing” for clients who are using the Out-of-network insurance benefits.
Our Insurance Page shares a small blurb about Why We Left Insurance Panels
What are out-of-network benefits?
When using OON benefits, patients typically pay the full cost of the treatment upfront and then file a claim with their insurance company for reimbursement. The amount of reimbursement can vary depending on the plan, but it can sometimes be as high as 90%. Call your insurance to see if you have OON benefits or click here to call us and we can check for you!
Is Online Therapy As Effective As In-Person Therapy?
Online therapy is essentially face-to-face counseling, just conducted remotely. Studies show that teletherapy is as effective as traditional counseling. Professional organizations and state governments recognize its benefits and have set regulations for it. However, like any therapy, its success in achieving your goals isn’t guaranteed. It’s important to discuss with your therapist whether teletherapy is working for you.
How Should I Prepare for My First Session?
Showing up is all that you need to do! But if you really want to get the most out of session, it could help to take some time to think about what you want from therapy. It helps to write down your goals, questions you have or things that you feel are important to share.
Do you offer traditional talk therapy?
of course! though we have some unconventional therapy approaches, we are rooted in evidenced based practices. Talk therapy is a major player in the therapy room! See What we Treat and Integrative Services for more information
Is Virtual Counseling Suitable for Everyone?
Online therapy might not be as effective for individuals with chronic suicidal thoughts, severe trauma, significant mental health history, or those recently in intensive care. Such cases often benefit more from traditional, in-person counseling. We’ll help you decide if our online services are right for you during your intake and evaluation.
Can I Change Therapists If I'm Not Happy?
Yes, you can switch therapists to another provider within the practice, or we can provide you a referral if preferred. We want to ensure that your time and effort are well spent, and that you are getting the relief you need, that’s why we work collaboratively with each other in the practice, as well as outside therapists who we know and trust.
How Do I Know If Therapy Is Helping?
You should feel like you’re making progress. Signs it’s working include:
Feeling comfortable talking to your therapist
Your therapist respects boundaries
You’re moving towards your goals
You feel listened to
You’re doing better in life
Your self-esteem is getting better
What is your cancellation policy?
We ask that clients provide at least 24 hours notice in the event that they need to cancel to avoid the 50% cancellation fee. we understand that life happens and do our best to be flexible & reschedule.
What Geographic Areas Are Served?
Currently, we serve clients in New Jersey and are expanding to other states as telehealth laws evolve. While telehealth offers the convenience of attending sessions from anywhere, state laws require clients to be in-state during their session.
Is Online Therapy Easy to Use for Non-Tech-Savvy People?
Yes, it’s pretty simple to access sessions. You’ll need basic internet skills, such as opening and visiting the patient link sent to you via email. It’s similar to video chatting like Facetime or Zoom. We can also walk you through it on the phone the first time to ensure a strong connection
What Questions Should I Ask My New Therapist?
Feel free to ask anything. Some good questions are:
- How often will we meet?
- What do you specialize in?
- What experience do you have with my issue?
- What outcomes can I expect?
- How will I know I’m progressing?
- How long do you usually work with clients?
- How will we set my treatment goals?
What is the difference between associate therapists & fully licensed therapists?
Our Qualifications:
Our founder, Rebecca Sidoti, is a highly qualified, state-licensed therapist and supervisor with extensive training in anxiety related disorders and innovative treatment such as Ketamine Therapy. Mind by Design Counseling adheres to standards set by the our governing counseling boards.
To see each providers credentials, training and licenses, visit our “Meet the Therapists” Page to learn more.
- LAC/LSW are therapists who may practice clinical work under the supervision of a fully licensed therapist.
- LPC/LCSW are therapists who have completed the necessary clinical hours post-graduation under supervision and can practice clinical work independently.
